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Tuesday, November 17th, 2015
2:50 am - Lost, Restless and alone

Im new to the group and to the circumstance of losing there mom so kind of looking for support and advise if possible plus just find someone or people i can talk with that can understand me and such.
My mom passed away suddently oct 19th and were coming up to a month aniversary in a few days. Her and i was very close so im still struggling. I feel just as lost and restless as i did a month ago with no relief. Also feel alone since im alone and far away plus anyone i talk to because they dont seem to understand me.
Anyway hope your all well thanks for sharing stories already they truely was enlightening. If i can ever help with anything just contacf me . Take care :)

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Saturday, February 8th, 2014
12:13 pm - My Mom passed away 1 year and 5 months ago.
myangel880504 I joined this community in hopes of finding someone to talk to that's been through similar. My mom got sick with Liver disease in the Middle of July in 2012 and passed in September 2012. She meant everything to me and now I'm just lost without her.

current mood: sad

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Monday, August 26th, 2013
6:39 pm

Something kinda weird happened on my way home from work....I was thinking of my mom which is something I do often.  But this time the tears in my eyes turned into full blown bawling my eyes out, cannot stop kind of crying.  It's been 9 years, I've learned to live in my new normal without her, but in that instant I felt like it was the day we lost her.  Her anniversary is coming up next week, I always remember it, but as the years go on my awareness of it before hand fades more and more.  Like I used to start feeling crappy a good month before, but now I'm like oh yeah, it's coming up next week.

I used to know all of the dates by heart, the day she went in the hospital, the day she was diagnosed, and of course the day she died.  So I was a little freaked out when I got home today, looked at a calendar and realized it was 9 years ago today that she went in the hospital.

I've just been having a really hard time.  I know lots of people have it worse, but I feel like I just can't catch a break.  I was only 25 when she died, and she struggled her whole life with depression, anxiety, and paranoia so I had a very tumultuous childhood.  When she was finally getting a lot better, and she and I were getting along much better since I had moved out and then I lost her.  I lost my grandparents within weeks of each other last summer and they were my lifeline to her, I adored them and I miss them so much....in 2011 my husband and I had a hard time getting pregnant and then when we did we lost it very early.  It took another year to get pregnant but our daughter was stillborn last March at 22 weeks.  We're so thankful to be pregnant again, but we're so insanely worried about this pregnancy.

Gah, I hate being all "pity party of 1", but sometimes I get so angry at how unfair life is.  When can I stop grieving?  I feel like as soon as I get to a manageable place from one loss, along comes another one.  Sorry to be so debbe downer, but I just needed to vent someplace where I know people would understand my frustration and grief.

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Wednesday, April 17th, 2013
11:25 pm - Anniversary dates

Hello! I haven't been on here in what seems like forever. My mom passed away in 2002. Her birthday just past at the beginning of April and the anniversary of her death is right around the corner. This has been a difficult time for me over the past several years. In November of 2011 I lost my stepmother as well. This is making this year even harder. Mother's day is coming so fast and I just want it to pass me by. My 12 yr old son wants to celebrate with me and doesn't comprehend the pain I feel. I miss my mom so much. I recently started dating again after 5 years and I really wish she were here to give me some advice. Its been 8 years since my divorce and I know if she were here things would be so much easier. Am I the only one that wishes she could just curl back up in my mom's lap and give her a great big hug? 

current mood: lonely

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Monday, April 15th, 2013
1:42 pm

I miss you..

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Tuesday, July 3rd, 2012
12:19 pm - sleepwalking

Does anyone else sleepwalk due to their grief, or have any other sleeping issues from it?  For the last several years I've been sleepwalking when I am stressed and I realized it began very shortly after my mom died.  Though I am not sure it is sleepwalking per se as I am always aware of it at the time and I remember it later....I'm just very confused and obviously still dreaming to a point when I do it.

What usually happens during an episode is I wake a few hours after I've gone to bed and I don't know where I am....I don't recognize my room as being my room.  I normally get up and either stand there long enough to realize where I am, or sometimes I make it as far as the hallway and I wake up enough to understand and go back to bed.  It freaks my husband out because his grandma died when she was sleepwalking and fell down stairs.  I don't think I am in danger of that because like I said, I am semi aware of it when I am doing it, so it's not like I'd end up outside or near stairs and have no recollection of how I got there.

Since my grandma died two weeks ago I've been sleeping walking, or at least getting out of bed and standing there confused almost every night.  I generally just sleep in a tshirt and each night when I do this I fumble around to find shorts or something to put on because in my dream I am someplace else (one night I dreamed I was at the funeral home for visitation) that apparently is not appropriate to be dressed in just a tshirt, lol.  I mentioned it to my therapist a few months ago....since it began when my mom died and happens when I am stressed, he thought maybe I am hanging on to some guilt or something over her death, so I should work on letting go of any unresolved feelings.

But since my grandma just died I am obviously still going through the early grief stages, so my walking must not be completely related to unresolved issues since this is recent.  I was just wondering if anyone else had seen their sleep affected by their loss and if there is any tricks or ways that you deal with it.

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Friday, March 16th, 2012
12:22 am - I miss Her

I miss my mom. I know that each and every one of you understands exactly what I mean and what I feel when I say that. Things have been going really well for me recently which has its good and bad. I started a new job in January and it's going really well. I'm settling in, learning a lot and making new friends. That's the good. The bad is that she is not here to share it with me. I'm a nurse working at the children's hospital that is right next door to the hospital that she dedicated 25 years of her life to as a nurse. Ironically, that is also where she died,surrounded by her friends and coworkers. I'm enjoying my job so far, but there are good days and difficult days on the floor. Its the difficult days that I miss her most. Shed be able to give me advice on how to handle a situation or a difficult family. Shed be able to help me brush up on things pertaining to my specialty. Plus I know she'd be telling me how proud she is and how much I can bring to my patients. But shes not here and it hurts so much... I realize that I am fortunate to have the support of my Amazing family,
but somehow it's not the same. Thank you all for reading and for whatever advice or encouragement you have to offer. ~CC

current mood: lonely

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Wednesday, February 8th, 2012
12:01 pm

It's been almost 28 years since I lost my mom ... 

I was 13 the summer she died.  She had been sick for months, before we even knew she was sick.  Her death destroyed an already dysfunctional family.  

My parents split up when I was 7, my mom had a barrage of boyfriends for a few years, until she met and married my stepfather who was an alcoholic.  He treated her like crap, and that is something he has to deal with. My mom was my best friend at the time, and I miss her every day.  

The holidays are the worst.  I have two children, she never got to meet in real life, but her memory is carried by both of them.  

My daughter has her name, and is a splitting image of me, and I am the image of what I would think my mom would look like if she was alive at my age. When my mom first died .. I was angry ... very angry.  Now, her memory makes me sad.  I have gone through some very tough times, including the breakup of my own marriage, and there are so many times I sit there and ask for a sign that I'm doing the right thing .. and she always shows me one way or the other.

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Wednesday, January 18th, 2012
6:18 pm - Grief

My mom died two Augusts ago, and my grief for her seems to be coming and going in really strong waves. After the most recent anniversary of her death, I was really upset for months, crying all the time, and really distraught. But now I'm feeling much calmer, and I'm not sure why. A lot of other stresses have come up in my life, so maybe they're pushing my grief to the side until I've dealt with them? Or maybe it's going to come in cycles like this - has anyone else had this experience?

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Wednesday, January 11th, 2012
6:29 pm - Someone to talk to?

hi. I never really knew my mom. I was 2 when she passed. Things are okay now i guess because i live with my grandparents and they feel just like my parents.
So...i'm not exactly the same as a lot of you. my mom didn't get sick or anything like that (sorry to those who's mothers did, my condolences) she was living life the very fullest. She liked to train dogs for flyball and horses. She loved horses.
But what happened was she was murdered by my father. It feels like every time I'm happy, I get sad again because I feel like I shouldn't feel happy. It feels like if life can be so horrible that this could happen, what's the point of being happy?

If anyone wants to talk I here. I'm a pretty good listener. just add me up or comment on my journal.
i just need to have someone to listen to me too.

current mood: pessimistic

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Saturday, December 24th, 2011
9:20 pm - Christmas

This is my second Christmas without my mother, and it's hitting me a lot harder than the first one did.

I'm finding it really difficult to be happy even though I'm surrounded by people that love me, some great food, and an awesome celebration.

Do you have any tips to make Christmas day better than Christmas eve was? I really don't want to be in a bad mood the whole day or have people asking me if I'm okay.

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Saturday, December 17th, 2011
1:12 am

Hi, I'm new to this community. I lost my mother when I was nine years old. She had a stroke when she was alone with me when she had a stroke, and I had to call 911, though I hesitated when doing so. She fell into a coma for a year until she passed away, and after she passed, my family acted as if she had never existed and as if nothing had happened to me, so I have been dealing with ways to cope and with feelings of guilt for years. The holidays are coming up and are especially hard since she passed away in mid-January, and it's something that remains in the back of the mind when trying to enjoy the holidays when I feel guilty for her death. I'm sure others find it difficult to deal with the holidays as well for their own reasons, so I hope you all are doing well and finding ways to cope.

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Thursday, December 15th, 2011
8:20 pm

Hello, my name is Julie. I'm 16, turning 17 in January. I lost my mom out of nowhere about 2 years ago and I'm still going through the grief process. I would love to meet and talk to other girls that have lost their mothers. I'm very lonely and confused. Please feel free to message/add me, anyone<3

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Friday, December 9th, 2011
4:23 pm - Curious..?

Hi it doesn't seem like this community is very active, but the truth is I would really love to just talk to someone who has been through what i have been thru.  Life seems so hard and so confusing without my mother. I do not know anyone whose lost a mother.  It has been over four years and it still is so raw. She died very suddenly.  I was wondering if there was anyone on here willing to just talk??

current mood: hopeful

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Wednesday, November 2nd, 2011
1:46 pm - Can you feel her?

I'm wondering if anyone can feel their mother's presence ever? I am not a big believer in ghosts and spirts...I mean, I don't disbelieve, but it's kind of a thing where I would need to see it to believe it.

But does anyone have any instances where they felt like they could feel their mom with them? I have only a handful (in 7 years) and some of them were likely in my head or just what I like to think, but here goes...

When she first died, for the first year every now and then I could smell her make up. She wore that Cover Girl Clean Make up and you could always smell it when you were close to her. The first time I smelled it I was at work, and nobody was near me. The second time I was at home, I lived by myself and I don't wear that make up. I heard somewhere on one of those psychic shows that you can tell a "feeling" like that is real if you were not thinking of that person just then (meaning you didn't conjure up the smell in your head because you were thinking of them)..that always stuck with me.

I've only had a few dreams about her, but so far all of them had been sad. We were being seperated, always within inches of each other, could never touch. The dreams only happen once in a blue moon. But about a week before my wedding, I dreamed about her and it was the most beautiful dream ever. For the first time we could touch...in my dream she was still dead, but it was like she came to see me. We hugged and it felt so real, it was exactly how I remembered hugging her felt like. It was as though she came to see me to let me know she would be there for my wedding. Thinking of that dream still brings tears to my eyes.

The last thing is just kind of something I came up with. Whenever I see clouds in front of the sun where you can literally see the rays of sunshine shining down and practically touching the earth, I like to think of it as the stairway to Heaven being open and everyone in Heaven comes to earth for a "field trip". It makes me happy to see that. I was looking at one of our wedding photos we have framed and realized you can see the rays of sun in the pic...that made me instantly smile. And a few weeks ago I was on my way to do my presentation that would be my final task for grad school...I was nervous but I felt very comforted because I saw the rays of sunshine on my way home.

Anyway...missing our moms hurts so much, I just thought I would share a few things that make me happy and was wondering if anyone else has anything.

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Tuesday, August 9th, 2011
8:04 pm - A Decade

I don't quite remember her voice anymore, but I still remember the last thing my mother said to me 10 years ago today. Tomorrow is the anniversary. 10 years seems like such a milestone and such a long time and yet it still feels just like yesterday. I can't believe I've lived 10 years without my mom.

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Monday, July 18th, 2011
11:42 pm - Out of nowhere...

I knew I was taking a chance when the song "For Good" from the Wicked soundtrack came up on iTunes, but I let it play any way and sure enough it got to me, like it almost always does.

I miss her.

I haven't had a cry like that for a while and it kinda came out of the blue.  It was just one of those moments, where I really and truly missed her. 

I was 11 when she died, and it's been 15 years since and I just... miss her.  It doesn't happen often, but every once in a while, I just have this desire to want to talk to her.  I just want to hug her.  I just want to be in her presence.  And I can't.  And it physically aches that I can't.  It doesn't last long, and like I said, it doesn't happen too often, but it hit me tonight, out of the blue.  I'm doing better now. 

Why do other girls get to grow up with their mommies? =(

current mood: sad

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Sunday, June 12th, 2011
5:43 pm - what would she say to me now?

august 8th will mark 7 years since my mother has passed. back when she was alive, i was 18/19 years old in college. she used to jokingly but sternly tell me that if i were to mistakenly get pregnant that she wouldn't take care of my child.
now i'm a single 26 year old woman (feels weird to call myself a woman but i guess technically i am one) who doesn't have any children. would my mother be pestering me to settle down and have children? sometimes these thoughts about the changing dynamics of a mother-daughter relationship spring into my mind, and i wonder what would my life be like right now if she were here to nudge me along.

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Wednesday, May 18th, 2011
6:18 pm

well everyone. I am sorry to say that my daughter, Elliana Marie was stillborn when I was 33 weeks pregnant. She was beautiful. Apperently she had stopped growing, and was so tiny. She weighed 1 lb 6 oz and was 13 inches long. She was born on April 5, 2011.

We had her cremated, cuz she was so tiny.

I haven't been on in so long cuz everything is crazy.

I'm doing as best as I can. Tomorrow, the 19 of May was my original due date.

But I know she's in heaven wit my momma now.

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Wednesday, March 23rd, 2011
6:25 am - Hey everyone

Hi everyone, my name is Samantha. My mom passed away very recently: 3/6/2011. My friend was kind enough to make the icon I'm using right now of her.

Before I get to the death part let me tell you a bit about my mom, because she was so much more than her illness:
She loved animals, especially cats.
Her name was Denise.
Her favorite show was Supernatural, which she watched with me all of the time, and her favorite movies were Repo! The Genetic Opera, Finding Nemo, and she loved Barry Mannilow with a passion.
She was my best friend, we were extremely close.

Now onto the sickness.
My mother had transverse myelitis ever since she was 16. If you don't know what this is a basic summary would be that it eats away at the nerves and muscles in your legs. Its extremely painful and a degenerative disease, so it would only get worse over time. She was alright and coping for many years but a couple years before I was born she started going downhill. She had me in 1990 (I'm 20) and as time went on I took on the responsibility of taking care of her.

It wasn't a normal childhood or a normal upbringing. I don't blame her for this one bit; she had a disease which she couldn't control and I was the one who had to take care of her. I just wish she hadn't felt so damn guilty. She'd apologize for me being "stuck with her" and "sorry that I'm not a better mom". I really hope she realized that she was a fantastic mother. She made mistakes, every parent does, but I really, really hope she knows how much I loved her. 

This wasn't what killed her though. She passed away due to inoperable cancer. She almost died last year but somehow managed to pull through. It was all downhill from there, really. She lost a bunch of weight, couldn't eat, could barely drink, and the weeks before she was put in the hospital she was almost intelligible. She would fade in and out and sometimes not know where she was.

She passed away in a Hospice on 3/6/2011. I had visited her with a bunch of family that night and I had gotten some alone time. I think she could hear me, she was really far gone, but I told her that if she was staying for me that it was okay to go. Go to whatever is waiting in the afterlife, that I'll be okay, that she doesn't have to suffer any more. All I ever wanted was for her to be pain free.
Apparently she was listening. She passed a couple hours after. I wasn't there with her, I had went back with my family to my uncles house, and I wish I could have been there to hold her hand. I feel so bad for not being there. I know she wasn't alone though, I think God opened his arms and welcomed her to a place of peace.

I miss her so much. I can't describe how I feel. Every time I find a new video online, or a new song I like, I think "Mom would LOVE to hear this!" but then it hits me like a ton of bricks that I'll never be able to share anything with her again.
People keep saying "you can talk to her any time". Yes, thats true, and I often do but I CAN'T HEAR HER and its eating away at me. I can't hear her laughing, I can't hear her saying "you're so silly, Samantha", and I can't even watch Supernatural any more because it hurts too much.

I'm doing my best to move on. She wouldn't want me to cry all of the time but some days I don't want to get out of bed.

Its only been a little over two weeks. I don't except the pain to ever fade but I wish I could handle it better. My family expects a lot out of me and they're moving on as though nothing has happened. But then again they weren't there for her when she needed them so I don't expect them to understand how I feel, really.

My birthday is next month too. I'm not sure how I'm going to manage it without her. She said last year (she got out of the hospital on my birthday, actually) that we would do something this year together since she couldn't last year. That'll never happen now.

Thank you all for reading this. It helps to vent a little. I don't really have many people to talk to so this comm may get a few more posts out of me.

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